Understanding ADHD Emotional Dysregulation in Relationships: Tips for Finding Your Personal Solution
As someone who received a late-in-life diagnosis, I can tell you that analyzing life in the rearview mirror feels quite good. Feeling sorry for myself lasted a couple of weeks at most. What used to feel like a flawed characteristic could now be explained through the lens of ADHD. Now it was time to understand what was one and the other and far more excitingly, understand how I can show up within my strengths. The one thing that hits closest to home is the struggle with emotional dysregulation. Over the last decade, I have spent much of my focus, though unknowingly, working through many of these challenges because they were a barrier to me. I felt bad when I realized I was overreacting or struggling with criticism. It made me feel less stable than I would like to be.
So, below, I have listed ten struggles with solutions I found helpful.
Overreacting to Minor Issues:
An individual with ADHD may become disproportionately upset or angry over seemingly small issues, causing tension and confusion for their partner.
Solution:
I used to react fairly immediately. Over time, I have developed the habit of forcing myself to take a break and evaluate my feelings. I use journaling and talk extensively to those closest to me to reflect on my feelings. I make sure not to react in the moment something occurs because, from experience, I know that this is often way too intense. This has definitely helped me. In a face-to-face situation, I got used to saying, “I am going to need some time to think. I will get back to you. If I somehow forget, please remind me. Thank you for your patience. I don’t want to react before processing.”
Difficulty Managing Criticism:
Even constructive criticism may be perceived as a personal attack, triggering intense emotional reactions such as defensiveness or withdrawal. This is closely related to #5. Long ago, any criticism was a direct attack on who I was and how I was doing in the world. A bad grade meant I was a bad person. Feedback within a relationship meant “we” were doomed to fail, and again, I was the reason because I was a bad person.
Solution:
The solution for this was not so much in what I had to do in response to the feeling, but more so the work I had to invest in solidifying how I saw myself, my values, and develop some serious, deep roots in my sense of self. Because once I was able to achieve this, then I could balance the feedback against that developed sense of self and was far better equipped to hold space for another’s opinion of me (even if I perceive it still as an attack on me personally). But with having two feeds on the ground and a strong sense of self, I can now acknowledge the feelings that come up and what is being said without it uprooting me and spinning me into oblivion.
Impulsive Decision-Making:
Impulsive behavior, such as making impromptu plans without consulting their partner, can lead to frustration and feeling disregarded. This was major for me. In the past, there are some massive decisions I made fairly abruptly. Here my solution:
Solution:
For starters, REMOVE YOUR AMAZON APP. Two or three extra steps can keep you from making unwanted purchases. No, but in all seriousness, putting in barriers to force a slowed-down process is crucial. For me, purchasing things that promised to solve productivity issues was always the first step on the list. I ensured my credit card information was not stored within the browser. Just the act of going to the wallet was an issue. When it was nonfinancial related, I would tell my trusted person, and she would remind me to “sleep on it.” When I couldn’t have that trusted person, I would have to make the cognitive decision to wait. I think becoming a Mom has forced me to look at the consequences. So, my take-a-way is to remind yourself of the consequences and see how that would play out. Many ADHDers like to plan, so examining the consequences could be a great strategy to avoid impulsive decisions. Drawing a diagram of the what-if situation and creating an image plan allows for the consequence to be more visible.
Inconsistent Attention and Affection:
Fluctuations in attention and focus can result in periods of intense affection followed by periods of neglect, leaving the partner confused and unimportant.This one is particularly tough because feeling unimportant or not being paid attention to is very hard on the soul.
Solution:
This is where knowledge and understanding about your specific ADHD symptoms will be crucial, as well as communicating them and coming from a place of building bridges to foster mutual understanding. If you are unaware of wavering affection and attention, have your partner bring it up. Not in an accusatory manner because if you have RSP (rejection sensitivity dysphoria), you will take it VERY personally. This is where you, as a couple, will have to work on the ways that work for you. I am a big supporter of couples therapy and individual therapy. Working on communication styles and practicing what is good communication. A trained professional can do wonders.
Rejection Sensitivity:
Individuals with ADHD may interpret minor signs of disinterest or distraction from their partner as rejection, leading to feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
Solution:
Awareness, Awareness, Awareness. Knowledge is power. If you feel that you have the comorbidity RSD, understanding how this shows up will be key to holding space for your internal dialogue and building the right cognitive behavioral skills and internal messaging to reframe what the brain sends out.
Escalating Conflict:
Emotional reactivity can lead to arguments escalating quickly, with both partners feeling overwhelmed and unable to resolve issues constructively.
Solution:
Practicing mindfulness and taking a pause before the escalation occurs. I feel so much about managing your ADHD is gaining knowledge and how it shows up personally. Understanding patterns and situations and how they can trigger certain symptoms will be key. I have a tendency to be reduntant to tell when something dramatic has occurred. I had to check in and ask myself: Does it support/help the situation if I tell what has happened again? It may make me feel good, but does it provide any improvement? If the answer is no, then I will keep myself from retelling the story for the sake of entertainment. In the past, the retelling would actually pull me back into the drama, upset me, hijack my focus, and drain me emotionally. This is not conducive to good mental health. Understanding your patterns and then figuring out how to support yourself will be key.
Difficulty with Emotional Expression:
Challenges in accurately expressing emotions may lead to misunderstandings or frustration for both partners, as the individual with ADHD struggle to convey their feelings effectively.
Solution:
In the past, I felt an internal volcano erupting, but I couldn’t put words. Understanding your emotions and triggers and journaling what is occurring internally will facilitate your ability to communicate your emotions more profoundly. If you cannot communicate with yourself, how can you communicate with someone else? Understand what is at the root cause. Because often, whatever situation is happening brings something under the surface. Understanding whatever that is is key to improving the expression of emotions.
Seeking External Validation:
Some individuals with ADHD may seek validation and approval from others outside the relationship, potentially causing strain and insecurity for their partner.
Solution:
This is a pain point. Many ADHDers go through life seeking the validation of the outside world. Are you good enough? Are you worthy of love and recognition? Are you allowed to take a seat at the table? The questions go on and on.
Tying into the first couple of points here, doing the hard work on yourself and your Self Worth will be the game changer here. Understanding how your symptoms of ADHD have intertwined with your sense of self and your self worth and beginning to untangle those connections and creating new narratives to strengthen that bond with yourself. You may always seek external approval; however, when you can get to a place where you can give it to yourself in hard times, you will be far more grounded and less dependent on those who don’t actually matter.
Mood Swings:
Rapid mood swings, common in ADHD, can create instability in the relationship and make it challenging for the partner to predict or understand their loved one's emotional state.
Solution:
Breathing exercises, recognizing internal anger arising, mindfulness, and finding activities to destress. Having a game plan developed for leaving a situation before the mood swing occurs. This is particularly important when you are a parent of small kids. They cannot be at the receiving end of your mood swings, so working on a strategy to swing within your mood in privacy and not let another person carry the blunt force will be crucial to fostering healthier and better relationships.
Forgetfulness and Neglect:
Forgetfulness and disorganization associated with ADHD can result in missed dates, forgotten promises, or neglect of relationship responsibilities, leading to feelings of resentment and disappointment.
Solution:
Strategies! Go on an observation journey. Look at what you struggle with the most. Write it down. Don’t look for solutions yet; just become aware of what things you forget and what things you absolutely must remember at all costs. Then, solve for those needs. Give different things a try, but methodologically try them. Pick whatever works and develop YOUR system. And if this means you need three calendars to function, so what? This is about you and your needs only.
Go on your journal and discover your self. Those that truly love you will come along for it, and those that don’t, well maybe their time has come.